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What I learned about myself in 2019




Around this time of year I have a tendancy to feel self-depracating and make a list of things that I feel I need to change about myself in order to be the best me I can be, tick all the right boxes and meet the societal standards of my every day surroundings. 

I decided a few years ago that this nonsensical notion was counterproductive and have now decided that instead of thinking how I will change myself for the year ahead, I will spend this time reflecting on what I've learned about who I am. 

Yes, I know I'm a 30 year old woman but anyone who tells you they have all their ducks in a row in order of date of birth, know exactly who they are, what they want and have the secret to obtaining/maintaining it, is either extremely lucky or talking rubbish. 

In the spirit of reflection, here is what I've learned about myself in 2019. 

I let the big things go, not the little ones.
I let a lot of things go, sometimes big things that I should really call others out on and I'm far more likely to lose my cool over something tiny and trivial. 
I'm not suggesting I should spend 2020 with a projector and screen waiting for the right moment to pounce on someone with all the reasons why I'm justified in being annoyed with them, but I should maybe speak my mind a little more when its merited, instead of storing it up and getting to breaking point over something that doesn't matter. 

When others don't like me, I don't care as much as I thought I would
I've spent a lot of my teenage and early 20s agonising over the thought of not being liked.  Today, I'm not massively fussed. I won't be everyone's cup of tea - all that matters is they don't complain that there is coffee on the menu. 

Earlier in the year, I changed my hair. In the grand scheme of Rachie hair, it was tame but for those who haven't known me long enough, it probably seemed drastic.  I overheard a conversation I wasn't intended to (humans by default aren't as discreet or subtle as they try to be, or in some cases don't)

"Do you like her hair?"
"I like it about as much as I like her"

A few years ago that would have stung, particularly coming from someone I find quite funny and engaging.
I didn't bother me in the slightest, zero fluffy ducks were given.
I'll remember it, but it won't influence how I behave or my opinion of them. 

My mood is easily influenced by the mood of others

It may be the same for everyone and is something I should have realised about myself before but it really hit me this year. 
If I'm around people with a negative mindset (usually in a confined environment like an office), constantly focussing on the negative, it's detrimental to both my mindset and my wellbeing.  The thing to do in those instances isn't always to interject with positivity and sunshine (sometimes it is) sometimes the thing to do is to remove myself from the situation. I find headphones, a change or scenery or a change of focus can help. 

I don't totally hate coffee

Okay, I still kind of do in the sense that I don't like the taste of coffee.  I did discover that I like flavoured coffee.
This probably doesn't count!

So, what about 2020?

I have a rough idea of the direction I'd like 2020 to head in and some items I'd like to tick off a metaphorical list.

Here's to the journey, hopefully I remember to put something on my blog before this time next year! 





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