Goodbye January, Hello Rachie.

Cards on the table....I've been a bit of a misery guts for the past few weeks.  

I feel like for most of January, my personality has been somewhat switched off.

I'm not really sure why.  I don't know if the job hunt is getting me down, if I'm spending too much time indoors and on the computer.
 It might be the lack of chocolate in my diet, it could be the countless hours of reality TV my eyes have witnessed over the month of January - but what I am sure of is that I need to snap out of it.

For someone who talks a lot about being positive and looking for the sunshine, I haven't done a whole lot of it lately.  

It's possible that's down to the fact its currently winter in Scotland and the sun is currently shielded by an abundance of rain filled clouds - that doesn't actually sound too dissimilar to the description of summer in Scotland, but at least it's usually a little brighter!

January is gone, well at time of typing its the 30th so there is still a day to go, but the month is basically at an end.  

I've decided that as this month draws to a close - with the exception of times when I need to let sad feelings happen - I've used up all my moping around time for the year.

I've decided in order to kick start my 2016 kick up the bum, I am going to give myself some hopefully achievable goals.
Some to aid me in my job search, some to aid me in keeping myself chipper when not doing something application or interview related. 

• Pick up a new hobby, I have an entire box of origami cranes, bats, cats and swans - its a fun hobby, its one I can do anywhere, I once made 10 cranes while waiting to go into an interview from some post it notes in my bag - however, if I overdo the origami thing all the time, its going to get tiresome and boring for me.  I enjoy baking and making things like banana jam, but realistically I can't do those everyday or I'd be eternally full to the brim with sugar, so I need to find something else to capture my attention and pass my time. Maybe crochet, crosstich, jewelry making, I don't know yet. 
  Suggestions are welcome.

• Last year I wrote a blog post about doing One Scary Thing Every Day  and somewhere over the last few months, I've let that slide.  Maybe I felt I had gotten to a stage where my nerves weren't holding me back quite the same, I don't know but I feel its time I start embracing the mission again, whether its something small like volunteering to make dinner (I'm not exactly experienced in the kitchen), saying no to something I don't want to do rather than doing it, feeling miserable and wishing I'd said no.  James is forever telling me that controlled fear is a good thing - its usually when he's trying to convince me to go on some terrifying ride like a roller coaster or something equally scary that goes upside down but he does have a point. I can't live in the safety of my bubble 24/7 or my world will become very sheltered very quickly.
  
  
• Find one enjoyable thing to take away from each interview, whether it's knowing I did well even if I didn't get the job, if someone who works there was kind and gave me a free pen, if the someone on the panel complimented my coat (those last two actually happened on separate occasions and both were pretty cool) if I made the interview panel laugh - in a good way. 
  I need to stop coming away from these things and once I hear back feeling like it's just another thing to cross off the list of things that didn't work out. Whether or not I get the jobs I go for, I need to start treating interviews as enjoyable experiences to take something fun away from. 

• I like to write.  I need to do this more. Whether that is in blog posts, poems, letters, stories, happy lists. 
  It's a skill I have and in the career path I want to follow, its an essential one, so I need to need to keep it active. Maybe it will help me find that full time job that seems out of reach, maybe it won't. Maybe it'll help me process things better, maybe it won't but its definitely something I need to keep doing.

• Go outdoors.  Spend more time with James, spend more time with my friends - ask them to do something cheap or free while money is a concern. Take a book to the park - weather permitting, it is winter. Do things that involve leaving the house for more than the few hours a week that come with long standing routine.

Today's Shoes

Technically, these shoes are slippers.

But they are what is on my feet today and I decided for the purposes of this blog post they can be shoes as I haven't done a shoe diary post since last summer and I'd like to correct that.

These Bunny Slippers were a Christmas present and I think they came from Next, I'm not sure if they still have them but they have a cute pair of bear slippers that are pretty similar.

The cake and cat trousers came from H&M  - seeing as they are on display in the picture!

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Dear Wee Rachie: Sleep is a beautiful thing.

Dear Wee Rachel, 

Sleep is a beautiful thing!

You don’t realise it right now, but you have this amazing ability to sleep at night, to just switch off your brain, lie down and sleep.  Sometimes your head might be full of crap that finds its way into your dreams but the actual sleeping part you have down to a tee. 

In a few years, sleep will seem like a story, a fairy-tale like Cinderella or Snow White (I thought Sleeping Beauty would be a cruel example, but hey, at least that bitch got some sleep!).

I don’t know why sleeping became a problem, it might be the fizzy juice that you drink (I know you love Irn Bru, but your insides are probably orange by now, cut down a bit!) it could be all the time you spend in front of the computer, the TV or your phone (FYI, phones are cooler in the future, but bloody expensive!).  Whatever it was, it became an issue and it’s one you’ll fight for a while, I’m still fighting it now.

I’m writing you this letter because I’m struggling to fall asleep and I don’t want you to grow up, become me and spend your life wanting to sleep.  Sometimes my brain is full of too many things to settle; sometimes the slightest little noise will wake me up.

You have no idea how much this will affect you when you are my age.  Sure it’s fine to snooze through Mr Kershaw’s Maths class (you get a free pass on that one because he likes that you have a smart mouth and knows you’re not a moron) but you really need to start taking better care to get sleep at night.

What I want you to do from now on is keep a notebook next to your bed, write down all the thoughts that are in your head when you sleep, hopes, fears, dreams, things that scare you and let them all out.  Start going to bed earlier or set a consistent time so your body knows it’s time to sleep.  Come up with your own ideas, but please do something. 

P.S – It turns out you don’t like the taste mint very much - mild is fine, strong is yuck, look out for alternative toothpastes, that way I won’t have to listen to your dentist when she moans or ‘accidentally’ (gently) bite her when she pisses me off! 

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Dairy Free Empties: Chocolate

I've seen a few people on Youtube do lifestyle/product 'empties' videos where they show the empty packaging and talk about the product they bought and whether they enjoyed it, the pros/cons etc

I'm fairly new to the whole 'dairy free' thing but thought I would give it a try for some dairy free products I've been using since cutting out dairy and getting a firm answer on the whole 'milk makes me ill' thing.  I live in the Scotland, so I'm not sure what the availability of everything I've mentioned is like further afield than the UK.  If you know of any brands or products I haven't mentioned - feel free to suggest in the comments! 

It might work as an interesting blog post or it might be crap but I figured I'd go with it!

Rather than focus on every dairy free product I've tried I thought I'd focus on the main things I've really been missing!  
I might do some more posts focusing on specific things but the first thing I'm gonna focus on is.....

Chocolate

My real weakness in life is chocolate. I love milk chocolate, I'm not massively in love with all plain chocolate, I feel it can have a bit of a dry taste depending on the brand and some (not all) dark chocolate on the shelves has a little bit of milk in the ingredients so for the last few months I've really been missing chocolate!

I discovered there are actually lots of dairy free alternatives to chocolate that taste like milk chocolate!

The main one I've used so far is
Moo Free Chocolate.

Moo Free comes in a variety of flavours, some larger bars and some smaller bars known as Mini Moos. They are made from rice milk which gives them a nice creamy taste.

The empties I have here are two of the chocolates I got in my Moo Free Mini Moo selection box from my mum at Christmas.

These were the Minty Moo and Cheeky Orange flavoured bars.

There was also a chocolate Santa bar and a honeycomb (bunnycomb) flavoured - but they were eaten before I thought about doing this post!

The good thing about Moo Free is that as well as being dairy free, they are also gluten free, wheat free and lactose free and suitable for vegans - which makes them suitable for a variety of specialty diets - although I don't know if they are suitable for every specialty diet.

I really enjoyed all of the chocolates in the box but I think my favourite was the Cheeky Orange Bar. I'm a massive fan of Chocolate Orange but I find most brands can be a bit too rich tasting for me and this bar really locked in all the flavour while being light.

Alpro Chocolate Desert

 

Alpro have a nice range of desserts in a range of flavours such as Caramel, Vanilla and Dark Chocolate but I started off with the Silky Smooth Chocolate.
Made primarily from Soya and Cocoa amongst other ingredients I found the the chocolate had a really nice and creamy texture and was somewhere in the middle of a yoghurt and custard in terms of consistency.  It was quite a nice chocolate hit without being too sweet.
They come in 4 small individual portions which means there is just enough of it to be filling but not so much that it's over indulgent.
I might try the dark chocolate next time, but definitely enjoyed the silky smooth.

Humdinger Dairy Free Chocolate Buttons

I recently discovered these chocolate buttons by chance and picked a packet up to try them. 
They initially tasted very sweet but as I progressed through the packet I focused more on the chocolate-y taste.
I like that they come in a small packet as I don't think I could handle too many at once as they are quite rich in taste.
Very tasty though, I've made a fair few repeat purchases.


Plamil Chocolate 

Technically, this empty is the chocolate snowmen from their Christmas range but having already tasted one of their bars, I can safely say they taste the same!
I haven't tried as much of Plamil's chocolate yet but I've enjoyed what I've tried so far.
Taste wise it reminded me a little bit of cooking chocolate, which isn't a bad thing, I like cooking chocolate!

They also do a range of other products like chocolate spread which I have tried and it's awesome but the jar isn't empty yet so I've cheated slightly and included it anyway!

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Dear Wee Rachie: What are you doing with your life?

Dear Wee Rachel,  

What are you doing with your life? 

It’s a dreaded question for anyone, whether you’re a handsomely paid director of a big ass organisation or a former child star with a fading profile and a catchphrase to your name (you’re neither by the way!).

Generally speaking, no one is 100% happy with every aspect of their lives, even the lucky sods who seemingly have everything in their lives figured out – news flash, they don’t! 

Some people have a better answer to that question than others, “I’m a director of a big organisation” probably sounds better than “I’m unemployed and focusing on my sitcom reruns” but the good answers probably don’t include the crappy things that keep them awake at night, the pressures of their job or the lack of time they have to do things away from their high stress careers.

If you are sitting thinking that your life is a bit crap and you don’t have a scooby how you are going to change it, welcome to the boat, absolutely everyone on this planet we call earth is already on it!

Ok, so you might not be in need of a telethon or a therapist, but you’ve come to the realisation that sometimes, life is a bit crap because it just is.  That’s a lesson some people go through life and never learn, you are already years ahead in discovery than some who came before you, it might not be Nobel Prize worthy but in my eyes it’s blooming impressive!

I can be a bit fortune cookie at times for a spatially challenged 26 year old who walks into the same doorpost on a daily and often hourly basis but I like to think I have a good grasp of these things. Someone somewhere coined the phrase ‘an old head on young shoulders’ to describe it when a young person has a knack for saying something profound – you’ll hear it a lot, not necessarily to describe you, but occasionally.  It’s a fancy way of saying that you have grasped early on in life an understanding of something that some adults have yet to master – the collective term for such adults is often referred to as Morons – fear them!

I used to be embarrassed to answer that question with the truth – I’m unemployed and desperately hoping someone will give me a chance to prove myself. I’d go for something that made me sound like a semi proactive human being such as ‘I’ve just finished uni and I’m volunteering until I find a job in my field’ because it sounded better than – ‘I spend my time filling out application forms, making origami and watching charmed reruns whilst simultaneously crying on the inside and eating Wotsits’ (other cheesy corn puff snacks are available, although maybe not for you – apparently milk makes you ill – spoiler!). 

Since becoming unemployed for the second time in two years I’ve learned to be less concerned about that pitying or judgmental look I might get and go with honesty.  My answer to the dreaded question is now “I was on a fixed term contract as an intern, I’m now unemployed as I’ve yet to successfully pass another interview, but fingers crossed eh?” if I’m speaking to a sensible person, they’ll know that’s my polite way of saying bog off and stop asking me, my answer is the same as it was two days ago when you last asked me.  If I’m speaking to one of the aforementioned Morons, who treats me as if unemployment is a lifestyle choice, I calmly remind myself that my situation is hopefully temporary, whereas being an asshat is generally infinite.

I’m telling you this because while you don’t have to be content with unfortunate circumstances, you sure as hell don’t have to be ashamed of them either! No one’s life is perfect, your flaws, shortcomings and struggles are part of what makes you who you are – human!

For me the secret to overcoming the crappy things in my life is to own them, they are mine! I’m not unemployed because the world hates me and lets bad things happen to me. I’m unemployed because there are many other jobseekers like me and I have limited experience.  I’m not skinny because I like to eat lots of food, and I’m not Beyoncé because I’m me and frankly if I were Beyoncé, Beyoncé wouldn’t be Beyoncé and that just wouldn’t be fair on the world.  Oh yeah, you develop an unhealthy obsession with Beyoncé, just accept it.

Regardless of what you are doing with your life or how you feel about your life, it’s yourlife, own it, change it, live it, don’t wait around for it to get better or begin, carpe doughnut! Seize it!

P.S - I’m sorry you’re not an actress or a giraffe, but you did find a career path that you’re good at, sometimes it’s a great outlet for being a smartarse, you don’t have to hide that by the way, just try not to annoy anyone! 

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Dairy Free Rachie

Dairy Free Rachie

I have noticed for many years that I often sneeze after I eat.

I also noticed that I seemed to get a sore stomach and visit the toilet often. 

It took me until this year to start trying to figure out what was causing these things so I started a food diary, keeping track of what I ate and how it made me feel.  I soon noticed that everything was pointing towards Dairy/Milk.

After trying a few alternatives to milk and feeling better for it, I went to visit my doctor and she confirmed that I have an intolerance to dairy and I've been trying to cut it out of my diet and try alternatives.

 I still occasionally have something I shouldn't like donuts/doughnuts - but I soon regret it, although sometimes the after effect is minor.

There are advantages, my real weakness when it comes to food is chocolate, specifically milk chocolate.
I would often go through a bar or a big treat bag in one sitting, sometimes more than once a day - I've almost cut it out completely and have come across a few dairy free alternatives - my mum even bought me a dairy free chocolate advent calendar - for context, I'm 26 so she went above and beyond in terms of kindness!

As well as eating less crap, I'm sleeping better too.  I used to take hours to manage to settle at night - possibly because I would have some cereal or a milky drink before bed, sometimes noise will keep me awake but I'm doing much better and getting some shut eye!

In the day time I feel much more awake and full of energy, whereas in the past I've wanted to seek out the nearest table or surface to rest my head on.

I might do some reviews or share some recipes of dairy free things I come across on my blog.  I've been trying some different brands of soya and almond based cheese so I might do something with that. 

Hopefully it'll help someone else who feels crappy after they eat or looking for some alternatives.

Feel free to share any brands/recipes/thoughts in the comments, if you have any food intolerance/allergies/preferences, maybe we could all help each other out.

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Dear Wee Rachie: An Introduction

I started writing letters to my younger self last summer, shortly after my contract on my job ended and I was looking for something to do to pass the time in between application forms and volunteering.
These eventually turned into a bit of self therapy for myself when I was feeling a bit crappy and I thought I would put some of them up on my blog, I've edited a few bits like changing 25 to 26 and circumstances that have changed etc.  I'll play it by ear whether I put any more on, I'm unsure, but here was the first one I wrote myself. 

Dear Wee Rachel,   

Rachie, Rach or whatever variation of Rachel you are going by at the present moment.

It’s me, well it’s you, I’m you, but I’m future you! Don’t be scared, I’m perfectly normal, well, I’m as normal as you are.  There will be times when you wonder and imagine what it will be like to be me - I remember what it was like to be you! I wanted to get in touch, I don’t want to spoil your hopes and dreams or give you too many spoilers but I thought I’d offer you some insights that I’ve picked up along the way that might have been useful to me back when I was you.  

To paraphrase dear old Madonna (I say old, she is probably more active and in better shape in her 50s than I am in during my 20s or ever will be - if I look half as good as she does when I’m past the half century mark, I'll dance around in my pants too! *Note – I won’t Mum, I’m just being a smartarse) we are living in a material world and I am a...... graduate with no job.   Ok, one spoiler, you went to university; (you passed exams and everything!) I bet you can’t begin to fathom that right now, but believe it or not, you aren’t actually stupid!

Back to the whole crappy being unemployed thing, I'm not at all unique in that, for every job I apply for, every interview I go along to, I am going up against hundreds of me's (they may not have my self-inflicted red hair, my grasp of sarcasm or my ridiculous phobias of feet and tiny insects), but like me they've studied their craft, read a thousand books that bore little relevance to the career path they wanted to follow but merely helped them to pass a module that was the best of a limited selection that semester (I digress but yes, I am talking about Film Theory Goes to the Movies, Catriona if you ever read this, you are a fantastic educator and I thoroughly enjoyed that module, also reading about the monstrous feminine made me question whether my body really was a monster and helped me come to the realisation that most theorists in that subject are misogynistic muppets - thank you!). Getting back to the point, the hundreds of me's that I come up against are suffering from the same problem that myself and others across the world are - too many job seekers, not enough opportunities. It’s not much fun but you aren’t alone. 

There will be some for whom everything generally works out straight away because it’s just who they are - they are pushy in the good way,  they view tutors as potential industry contacts, they’ve been networking since the age of conception and have that steely determination to achieve the best no matter what the cost, and while that makes you feel crap, it’s the difference between them and us unassuming folk who let the life come to them and hope for the best and teaches us an important lesson - grab life by the balls or you'll spend your days scratching yours!! (Yes I know you have no balls of which to speak, imagine metaphorical balls for effect!).

I’m a 26 year old graduate struggling to find employment in a competitive field with red hair (yes you have red hair now and Mum loves it, Dad doesn’t really acknowledge it, which probably means its fine!), a smart mouth and a pink ukulele.
You have had some jobs, an amazing one year internship, some admin contracts and you invigilate exams.  It's not all hopeless.
 My musings of the world probably won’t be the most insightful anyone will ever read or change the world but hopefully they might help you or someone like you to feel better about their life, maybe they’ll amuse someone further on in life with an penchant for nostalgia or maybe it’ll just make a judgmental old pensioner I know feel a little less smug to see that I do more with my time than sit on social media accounts all day - three of which I have open as I type -  yeah, I can multi-task bitch!

I'll write to you again soon.

P.S – I say this with love, and hindsight…. Throw out that bloody awful Orange padded jacket, you look like a pumpkin!

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Who/What I want to be when I'm older.

Who/What I want to be when I'm older.


Yesterday, someone asked me what I want to be when I'm older.  

My initial response was going to be 'younger' but seeing as it was an eight year old that asked me the question, I figured being a smart arse probably wasn't the best way to answer the question.

I didn't actually give much of an answer which I felt a little bit bad about - I could have answered the question.

I know exactly what area I want to be in career wise.
I dread people who are younger than me asking me about career stuff, particularly if it has been close to a time when I haven't been successful in an interview or application.
 I'd feel awful if I accidentally passed on my own insecurities about my future on to someone else.

Most of the time, I'm fairly positive about my job search, I'm looking for employment in a very competitive field and going up against strong competition, so it stands to reason that sometimes,
 I'm not going to be lucky one.   

I'm working in the meantime, earning some money, learning to drive and keeping myself busy.

There are occasions however, when other people's opinions can feed into my insecurity.
There are some people I know, lovely though they are, that don't understand that looking for relevant work is often a full time job in itself and that making the shortlist for an interview can feel as big an achievement as making the final 4 at a Grand Slam. 

An easier question would be 'Who do you want to be when you are older?'

• I want to be someone that works hard - whether that is in my chosen career path or not.
• I want to be someone that has confidence in the things I know I can do and confidence in being able to ask for help with the things I know I can't do just so well.
• I want to be someone that has made enough stupid mistakes to have learned from them how to be a semi decent human being.
• I want to be someone that encourages others to aspire to reach their goals but know that not achieving them isn't the worst thing in the world and doesn't mean that they are not good enough to achieve them.

There's more to the person I want to be when I'm older, but maybe that's a blog post for a few years time when I'm hopefully a step closer to feeling confident in being that person. 

Maybe the next time someone asks me what I want to be, I can be someone who answers the question without feeling insecure about whether or not I'll get to achieve those goals in the future. 

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